I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
A+ Viking dick
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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