i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Never underestimate the power of titties
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
