Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
