Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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