I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
