Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
