So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
