I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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