My sheets look like a crime scene.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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