ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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