Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
