All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
