I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
