just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
