I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
only you would photoshop your dick
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
