i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
