Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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