I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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