i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
