I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
