Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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