I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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