Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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