it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
