Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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