You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
