But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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