I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
