he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
