I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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