My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
