I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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