I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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