Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
