i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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