To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
