Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm getting married
To pizza
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