i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
