im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
