Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I love having hate sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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