i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
