Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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