I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
