It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
