Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Come share oat with me in your robe
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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