Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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