GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
