Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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