guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
