remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
