chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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