did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
